Monday, January 26, 2009

life is..

i wrote this using a red ballpen on my testpad while crying. and i didn't remember much why did i cry. seriously.

25/01/2009

i want to tell you a secret. it's my untold stories.

i didn't know how far could i go or even how long could i stand anymore. when one time, i felt like winning and the victory was all mine, all of a sudden, a moment after it, was the feeling of losing, frustrating and disappointing. i did feel sometimes, liked to give up on everything. but i just couldn't, what stopped me, i didn't know.

what was life meant for me, if my presence was just to hurt others' feelings? oh, i was so unpredictable, hard to be understood.

i wanted the arms that used to be around me, to hold me back, to make me realised that how precious and meaningful my life used to be.

i wanted to lay my head on someone's chest, to calm me down, to let me closed my eyes for a moment and forgot the black clouds that kept hovering above me.

i wanted to have someone with a 'real' crying shoulder, so that i could cry my hearts out, pouring down all the troubles away from me.

i thought, i had actually lost them all. they ran away, maybe, but it could be my faults, too, forcing them to keep a distance from me.

to en satu,

i always loathed the thought when i already got your name carved on my heart, then i had to wash away all the sweet memories, for someone else.

i hated myself for making foolish mistakes and regretting them later on.

i was just so unlucky, he's not my knight in the shining armour.

i never hated my life, neither to love it.

life is..ah..so complicated to define.

~f~
urm..

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